Open houses

I don’t choose the media & mass communications life. It chose me. It has been my dream to pursue such a major and also as a career but due to poor grades, strict admission rules and pricey fees I had to bury it. Ten years later to the present day I’m contemplating to pursue a tertiary diploma in mass communications on a part time basis. 

This is what happens when you barred me from pursuing my dreams. Because of you I had to take up courses that I hardly have any interest in and wound up job-hopping and depressed over my predicament. Just because my high school math and science grades suck with an F doesn’t mean I can’t have a bright future. You had no idea how much I suffered. How much I cried and screamed in pain over your pathetic admissions exercises years after my graduation. You doubters and critics are my worst enemies. Ever. 

Ten years after my failed attempts for a tertiary education in polytechnics and universities (more to that later in future), I am planning to study again, maybe within 2 years or less on a part time basis. Visited some institutions and browsed through their brochures. Three schools to choose from yet can’t narrow to just one. Unsure if my mom is OK with me studying again just to obtain a diploma for now. I rather be the first in my family to further my studies to university and maybe graduate with honors. That will be something to talk about in retrospect. Better late than never, in three years’ time I’ll be 30. Adult learning is hard but I want to commit till the end. 

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2016 – A year in review

New Year’s resolutions are really just a cycle of failed resolutions past. No one ever sticks to them till 31 Dec every year. I’m not salty or unmotivated, I’m just being frank. You don’t need to wait until the beginning of the year to make changes. 

The only few good things that happened to me in 2016 were retail therapy in malls, flea markets and expos, horseback riding on my own for the first time, watching Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice seven times (people may throw shade on me for loving it but it moved me in so many ways) and guarding my heart from falling in love blindly with irresponsible, manipulative guys. 

Like most people, 2016 fizzled out faster for me. It made me more distrustful towards guys around me. When did I ever fell sick so often as a result of constant burnout over lack of worklife balance? (onslaught of workload and escalations got me screaming publicly outside of work in agony several times) When did I ever become so cowardly, always retreating myself to wallflower-mode instead of running the show and owning memorable moments like an MVP? When did I ever become so lazy to the point of daily procrastination? How did I gain weight and look bloated and jaded so fast within 3 years?

One by one everyone around my age that I know of is now dating/engaged/married. To the point that I became even more reclusive as ever. Given my introverted self and tight on funds, I don’t think I wanna get married in a lavish manner and surrounded with filler bridesmaids and best men. (Sorry I’m not much of a clique-y, squad person; I’m more like a renegade, a lone wolf kind of a woman, so why would I need loads of bridesmaids to steal my main event?) Call me boring, cheapskate, pretencious, desperate or rigid for wanting a low-key, closed wedding event, but I rather choose long-term love and commitment than being broke and then call it quits over irreconciliable differences. I’m not a miser or a gold digger or a material girl, I’m just being financially responsible on a realistic note. Unless my future husband is a superstar or a billionaire and is willing to sponsor me and my family, extravagant weddings while caught in a staggering debt just don’t entice me at all.

I am a shadow of my former self and this depresses me. Will I ever find purpose and happiness in my life? Will I ever turn my life 360 before I hit the big 30 in three years from now?

Stronger

Seriously I don’t understand some people. You already got yourself a college degree, engaged or married to your trophy husband and living a life better than mine. So why the need to destroy me still exists, ten years after our high school graduation? I never had any cruel intentions towards you. But don’t be shocked at my cold-hard expressions and gangly swag. I may not even possess half the education and lover you have but thanks to your cruelty I’m mentally resilient and tougher to deal with bitches like you the only way I know best. You can hide behind your man or your hijab but you can’t hide your nefarious attempts to piss and humiliate me. This isn’t 2004-2006 anymore. It’ll be 2017 now. I’m not Islamophobic (I’m a Muslim too albeit moderate). Even some so-called angels desire to be wild when caged while wrongly-accused demons long for redemption and solace.

Differing views

I don’t understand why people are so quick to talk down on me and disagree with me when we are on the same page dealing with a common challenge. I mean so what if I’m largely silent all this while and my viewpoints somewhat differ, I face life differently from others but that doesn’t give you the right to counter-attack me that way. Life is opening up for you? Good. But for the rest of us like me, our battles are far from over. 

In a survival-of-the-fittest world like this, it’s heartening that there are people who look up to you. You may mean nothing to yourself and everyone near you, but there will always be people out there who will look up to you as their inspiration. So don’t take these supporters for granted, because once you screwed them over, it’s over. 

MVP

I’m gonna be my own MVP. 

I intend to pamper myself with trips to hair salons, beauty spas and massage parlors. Only 26 yet I received feedback that I’ve physically aged a lot. Looking out of shape, frizzy static hair and saggy jaws and chin, I was told I looked like a 30-something mom with 2-3 kids. I gotta change that, and maybe get active in fitness and gym as well.

Some things are best left unpursued. With too much activities to cram in one tight time frame, time management is of essence. Maybe it’s not just me all the time fighting to keep up. I guess I’ll just drop the Christmas dance performance off my priorities list, along with that guitar-playing neighbor.

Turns out that he is 8 years older than me and is questionably divorced. He’s creeping me out. I don’t think I can be friends with him. He doesn’t work at all (how much money can you make daily by simply playing guitar and singing in the streets?), he badly wants me to teach him to read Al-Quran (not only I lack confidence in teaching but also due to stricter laws these days, an Islamic scholar has to be registered by the local Islamic board to teach and preach) and asked me which one is my mom. The last one got me freaked out. Why would some random stranger asked me for my mom? 
Could he be a stalker? I believe so. It makes me sick that street buskers in my neighborhood are suddenly warming up to me. Maybe I should just be firm and move forward, never making eye contact nor even look back at them. Doing so gives them leverage. Men nowadays are lazy and unreliable, especially the able-bodied ones. I’m my own Wonder Woman for way too long by myself, relying on no man. 

Influx

Singapore is just way too overcrowded with foreigners. Can’t even go out on Sundays without braving the vast ocean of domestic workers from Asian Third-World countries (largely fron Mainland China, India, Indonesia, Myanmar [Burma], Vietnam, the Philippines, Bangladesh) acting like this island belongs to them. Even some white people from Australia, New Zealand, UK, Europe and North America (Canada and US) are just as snobbish and at times bigoted. I’m not xenophobic, I’m just tired of the immigration policies initiated by the government to squeeze millions of immigrants to this little island. Plenty of these immigrants have no intention to remain Permanent Residents or Singapore Citizens for the long term. And to those PRs and newly minted Citizens acting all ‘kiasu’ (Hokkien term meaning scared to lose) and claiming to be ‘more Singaporean than the actual locally born-and-bred ones’, WHO THE BLOODY FUCK YOU DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO PROCLAIM YOURSELF AS SUCH?! You and your ancestors hadn’t been around this island for centuries to come up with such sentiment. You only decided to make Singapore your home when our economy was booming. Now we’re stuck in stagnation due to your influx taking up our jobs and schools and universities. 

Don’t tell me to suck it up. You just aren’t here your whole life to feel how we actually feel. We are just sick of your kind abusing the current government’s policies to suit your selfish agendas.

Wrapping up 2016

2016 in general, is an awkwardly bad year. An age where my weight and image ballooned to a horrendous 10 kilograms plus within three years. A time where everyone is easily triggered by anything and everything. Less than 4 years left before I turn 30 yet I still haven’t achieved any single milestone in life – earning big bucks, dating/engaged/married with kids, graduated from university with honors, living the wanderlust life… Milestones that are social media and hashtag-worthy.

Carrying the ashes of 2015 and years before, I foolishly hope that things would turn well for me this year. It started off briefly positive until April I guess. That’s when I fell into relapse of past years, with procrastination being my biggest enemy. I had no history of procrastination at all until this year. Frustrations, confusion, envy and broken dreams followed after. 

When will I ever be over from this ongoing misery? Dreading over Mondays each time Sunday comes to a close? Same old bullshit every year. In an overzealous, gloomy society where money, academic grades, high/shady connections and x years of experience are EVERYTHING, would a vacation and a change of career reset everything and start all over anew?

Signs

Some things to take a chance on before 2016 is over:

1. Take part in the Christmas dance at work during this festive season (it’s been almost ten years since I last danced in front of a large audience).

2. Get to know that street musician living in my neighborhood (lately he’s kinda keen on me and remains polite despite my hesitance to give him my number)

3. Watch Moana and Star Wars: Rogue One

Even through the slump, I still try to squeeze lighter moments in between, hoping to shine a light no matter what comes. I wonder could #2 be a sign for me, to have a shot at a friendship (and perhaps love?) 

Misunderstood

I’m not some larger-than-life entity nor do I regard myself as one. 

I’m simply loud by nature, but years of being silent in penance of my misunderstood deeds, and also being told off to shut up has caused not only deep-setting unhappiness, it makes me want to scream even louder to prove my point straight without sugarcoating or sarcasms. I’m as real as I can be, given any unfavorable situation I’m in where the tides are against me. And I guess people are afraid of me to the point that some seek to vilify me and everything that I stand for. 

It’s just within me to keep things real in perspective. Often I got misconstrued for being a pessimist or too emotionally fragile and not cheerful or outgoing enough. I’m just seeing life as a whole. I never feel comfortable with fakery, be they passive or not. My honest replies may come across as rigid, cold and harsh, but I’m never the kind to kiss asses or have a sarcastic tongue to be cool and to fit in. Maybe it’s my upbringing and social surroundings that shape me into the person I am. I didn’t ask to be this way. 

I hate to be angry. For real. In fact it brings me to tears when the dust has settled in. I just want to be understood and loved even through good and bad times. I guess society as a whole do not understand rage and sadness well. We women especially are constantly putting other women down with insults. You fail, you get mobbed with criticism. You succeed with your hard work and dedication, they’re out there to hurt you. What have we become as humans?  What do we really want in others? By tearing them to make ourselves feel better, are we really no different from the ones that we envy or strived to stay away from?