It’s tough to mentally pep talk myself up on staying positive and happy and all the rah-rah cheerleader-like stuff when my ongoing issues are far from over. How to people will themselves that way? I’m not being a pessimist here, I’m more of a realist and not the type to sugarcoat, overexaggerate or be sarcastic in my viewpoints. I wish I’m easily understood without people preconceiving negative thoughts about me. So what if I’m not (and never will be) a part of the herd mentality, does that make me an enemy although we may be on the same side of tough situations we hate?
My 2016 so far is no different from the previous years. Only this year it is largely filled with procrastinations, cowardice and laziness. A shadow of my former self. I was never this lazy and unmotivated my entire life. So sick of being depressed while looking on at former schoolmates and ex-colleagues faring well in their work and social lives. Promotions, road trips, weddings, baby showers and all.
I strive to stay positive and plough myself out from this quarter-life crisis. Been feeling like this since my early 20s, it gets worse as I age. Planning to get another job elsewhere that doesn’t deal with IT networks & securities for now. After two years of crash coursing and working in this field, my soul tells me I’m better off in a good paying job that fits my passion.
But my passion has yet to be revealed and cultivated.
I was met by a former frienemy from my high school days nearly a year ago, who suggested that I should take up on writing as a fulfilling and rewarding career. I was surprised yet angry at the same time towards her on the suggestion. If she knew writing reviews, blog posts and short stories were my forte despite the lack of relevant academical grades and working experience in such a field 10 years back before our high school graduation, why didn’t she encourage me to pursue then? Why it took her almost 10 years to suggest it now? What was she hiding from me all this time as her career launches while I continue tumbling downhill with all the confusion I face?
To write again feels alien to me now that I’m ten years behind. Used to dream of working for magazines such as ELLE, Cleo and Seventeen when I was 16-17 because Ugly Betty and The Devil Wears Prada partly influenced me then, along with trips to cinemas, Borders and HMV in town for the latest albums, singles and movie releases. Unfortunately I had to bury that dream in order to stay realistic and relevant due to less-than-outstanding O level results in high school, resulting me to take up odd jobs as a waitress, retail worker and several clerical gigs instead to stay monetarily afloat and appear normal.
Look what being normal does to me over the years. Wasted, out of shape, lagging behind in the workforce. Any plans to continue studying on a tertiary level are washed away due to money issues and the ongoing global economic crunch.
Fast forward to today I don’t stand a chance getting a full time job as a copy writer or content writer with the rat race against candidates who are highly skilled and experienced than me. That is the reality.
Should I still pursue the dream to write or let it die? I still got one field yet to be explored – early childhood education. Not sure if I am comfortable around 20+ kids. I don’t hate kids, I’m just not used being around them and be a good role model to them.
Pardon the lengthy post, I just want to be happy and fulfilled again for the long term.
At times I feel like deleting my Tumblr blog and never blog again from there.
It’ll be a matter of time before I close my current Tumblr blog for good after 2 years of working full time since late 2014. Tumblr is getting really boring now with all these keyboard social justice warriors and spambots posing as piss-poor quality porno blogs following me whenever I go idle. That’s why I moved over to Facebook, Instagram & Pinterest often for up-to-date content and replies instead.Writer’s blocks, lethargy & lack of inspiration stimulation usually prevent me from creating quality content. Hopefully I don’t get swamped by random blogwalkers (very Blogger/Blogspot-like) & porno spambots here on WordPress too.
These plans came about as I toggle around between dreams and reality. As pursuing a full-time job as a copywriter or content writer is impossible for me due to lack of experience, know-how and academic achievements, the only possible way to build my presence and portfolio is to do freelance jobs pertaining to that, which I hadn’t think of years before. Even I don’t know if copywriting or content strategizing is truly meant for me, as my dreams to work for well-known media platforms, magazines and studios were crushed due to less than satisfactory grades, lack of funds, learning resources, relevant contacts and moral support.
However I try building up a portfolio on Pinterest (does Behance work as well?) of my creative works – writing (reviews, short stories etc), some designs, adult coloring, photography etc.
It just motivates and also bugs me that my long buried dream is haunting me, as I reached my late 20s and facing an existential quarter life crisis in employment. Just any random admin jobs won’t do for me. So caught up in chasing them that quitting my current job seems tough.