Inter-generationals

My biggest enemy this year? Procrastination. I’ve grown too comfy over my shitty situation of being stuck in job I continually hate that even job hunting feels like a chore. I even forgot how to search and prepare myself to hunt again. When will the economy ever fully recover? It’s in the slumps for the past 2-3 decades. All no thanks to some selfish baby boomers with their rigid mindsets on money and hard work and then blaming all socio-economical problems on us millenials for being too soft and lacking motivation. At least we millenials try to make this world an inclusive place for everyone, including minorities, Muslims, people with special needs and LGBTQ community. 

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Retail therapy

Retail therapy never felt so good. 

My urge to buy new makeup reawakened a few days ago, be it drugstore, at Sephora, at flea markets or even online. Same goes with new clothes. A lot of my clothes no longer fit me especially the bottoms (trousers/pants/jeans and skirts). My fashion taste is kind of eclectic, casual and sharp, straying away from conventional, current, Instagram-worthy trends and fiercely staying true to myself. 
Weekends never seem enough for me. My job hunt so far is like waiting for a rain in a barren desert. Another job agency called me this past Thursday, offering me a helpdesk position in a healthcare setting. Okay, now where’s my resume and photocopies of my academical achievements? The stipulated 45 days’ notice of tendering resignation is a deal breaker. Such notice imprisons me, there’s likely a chance that the interested employers may end up not hiring me upon hearing that.

Hurdles

My attempt to job hunt this week backfired on me. This past Tuesday, I received a call from a company looking for a help desk position. Unfortunately I was in a noisy, moving bus on my commute to work when the call took place, thus the voice on the other end was inaudible. I told her to call again but they didn’t. 

Once I alighted from the bus, I dialed the same number. To my dismay they replied with “Can we call you back later?”. Hearing this, tension mounted within me. I responded: “Well I just got down from the bus already, may I know who you are and what are you trying to offer me during our first call?” The answer was a weak, mumbling one. “Help desk” or something like that. I had had enough. I hung up. And there goes my first try in job hunting for the first time in two years.

My frequent saliva-spitting has recently returned after days of completing the earlier medication. But this time, there’s a slightly swollen lump growing in my throat where my chin is, painful when touched. Only discovered it two days ago after lunch. No pain while eating, talking or drinking. Went to the doctor to find out more, and they suspected that there may be a stone or some stones growing on my salivary glands, hence the swelling lump. I have to be refered to an ENT (ear, nose and throat) specialist for an appointment and treatment (to be announced by the hospital at a later date). Cancerous or benign the lump is, I’m not taking any chances and I better not end up with a huge mass of a tumor growing on my face, along with other health issues. And it’s even anguishing that my team leader dismissed my lump as a normal itchy patch. 

Great, more hurdles. Adding more stress to my work and my life in a nutshell. These frequent episodes of me getting illnesses I never encountered before as of late got me upset over my predicament and KPI and everything else in life. On top of the fact that I’m now the only top-earning family member left and my useless elder brother doesn’t even bother looking for a new job. He would rather laze at home or go to the gym at this bleak economic time. Get real. What’s the point of being a fitspo when you’re broke and jobless? As superficial as it sounds, money still talks. No money, no gain. 

Tell me how can I not be pissed off about the bullshit that’s happening to me? I can’t help blaming myself, it’s as though I allow all this crap to happen to me even if I’m not the one who perpetrated it.

Slimming down

Looking through my recent photos, I feel that there’s a tremendous need to slim down. I really let myself balloon up to a fugly, bloated state. No matter how much most people try to convince me I look beautiful inside out despite my weight gain, the internal voice within tells me it’s not. Even I do admit I’m ashamed of my fattened image. Clothes no longer fit, get tired and vulnerable to health issues really easily, snoring way too loud in my sleep (I have never snored at all until 3 years ago).. The list goes on. This pudgy look is embarrassing, coming from someone who’s not even married with kids. Embarrassing to the point my self-esteem and outlook on life hits rock-bottom, preferring to hide in the shadows and live like a hermit instead.

😢😥⁉

Survival

Everyday feels like survival mode in spite of my growing procrastination. No sign of the horizon nearby. What used to be natural for me now isn’t. Deflated hope, more lethargy and disinterest each day. Used to look forward to the mornings but now even sleep never seems enough. Soldiering on despite my woes at work and elsewhere is a losing game that I keep dragging on for the sake of salaries and staying strong. 

After weeks of delays, I finally managed to watch Doctor Strange & Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them yesyerday. It was a magically light-hearted comeback for me in the cinemas after my dismal reception for Suicide Squad. My mood did lift a bit positively because of that but in reality, 2016 in a nutshell is akin to staying glued to a series finale of the year 2016. Stuck with neverending work with no holidays in between as usual even through the year’s end.

Chasing happiness or money?

Googled through articles on least-stressful job positions. Some positions may pay lesser than my current job but if it fulfills and enriches me personally and professionally, why not? Sometimes having a higher salary may lead to higher levels of stress and a lot of unhappiness internalized. 

There are some library positions that caught my eye. It has been so long since I was surrounded with books and audio/video materials. Perhaps literary arts and creativity are my suppressed fortes that long to be tapped to good use. Thinking through my current situation, maybe I’m better off hunting again than risk getting the boot from the superiors should the worst happens. I pray that I’ll be able to pull this challenging phase through. 

Every day, a learning day

Went to a lifelong learning fair yesterday after my half-day shift. There’s a vast world of learning out there and here I am undecided on the next move of my career and learning process. I can only look with sad eyes, wondering if another shot of further studies and working towards a career I’m deeply passionate in is still worth fighting for at this age. I may be 26 at present, but years of flunking in studies, constant job-hopping and dissatisfaction in my current job have aged me tremendously. 

Tempted to go back to school or college again after a long-ass time, to learn new stuff again out of recreational and work purposes. Be they short courses, diplomas or degrees. I’m sick of my job. Everyday it gets clearer that I can’t run away from what I do best – creating new, engaging content I can call my own; writing about arts, media and pop culture. It’s in my veins, my best channel to voice out my ideas and viewpoints. But to break into the creative media and arts field would require at minimum, a tertiary-level diploma here in Singapore. As a less-than-outstanding student then and even in my career rut now, I worry about the time and money to spend on adult learning however, as fees for such courses are very pricey. Nor do I want to be a chronic hoarder of academical certificates.

I’m ten years too late to further my studies in order to earn a diploma or a degree, am I? This lose-lose situation of me stuck in my rocky IT helpdesk job intensifies my internalized doubts. Must stay strong for myself and my family amidst the ongoing economic gloom, what with a jobless elder brother at home to deal with. 

Should I quit? 

Sometimes quitting without a new job lined up seems like a brave thing to do. At least you get to leave peacefully without risking getting fired and allow yourself time and space to heal, to clear your head, to look ahead of opportunities. I wish I can muster up enough courage to quit. The longer I stay in my present job, the more tired, stagnant and vulnerable I am in making even more mistakes. The gruelling hours to complete multi-tasking daily has affected my health and my outlook on life adversely. 

What kind of life I’m living in as a 26-year-old single working female? Having to support my aging mom and now my unemployed big brother, the odds are stacked against me. I’m so sick of falling sick over too much workload and getting chased by multiple parties. So tired of crying rain. If work starts late like say, 11am to 8pm for me, there goes my motivation and procrastination creeps in. By the time I’m done I can only manage to eat and sleep. 

Tell me what kind of life is that?! 😩😖

A losing war

​Was greeted with a correctional form to fill up for resolving an outstanding request late today. To fill up such correctional forms at this point as an experienced staff, well this is embarrassing. My job is on the rocks, I can feel it in the air. It’s like I’m fighting a losing war with the odds overwhelming me. The urge to resign without a new job lined up immediately gets stronger with each day. I can’t be on sick leave or any form of leave peacefully without being bombarded with complaints at work.

I’m fighting this war on my own. Even through sickness and the fact that I’m now the legit breadwinner left in my household. My elder brother is out of job for weeks now and mom’s wages aren’t enough to keep up. Worried what shall I say to my family if, touch wood, the worst news hits me. 

One is a loneliest number

I’m drained out of energy. Donald Trump is now the new President of the United States. That spells doom to America and the whole world. And I’m real tired of my job’s toxic environment. Having to get my shit together as a third-year senior staff and  my moves monitored closely cages me. There is still that desire to write inside of me, it just won’t die. Maybe writing is my true calling although rusty with writer’s block for lack of quality and creativity to pen.

This feeling of helplessness and frequently falling sick.. They manifest not just from external factors but from within too. It’s tough getting by in life pursuing your passion when society often tells you not to quit your job without a new one lined up. Life already is unpredictable and so is the ongoing stagnant economic recession. Everyday I browse catalogues of short courses offered by local institutions online pertaining to arts, technology and marketing; hoping to find time and space to build my portfolio and knowledge in the creative industry. Yet I still hadn’t made up my mind as I’m spoilt for choices. Course fees are a key factor too, along with schedules and traveling distance to study from home and back.

Aside from stiff job competition from foreigners, it sucks to be shamed endlessly for lacking a tertiary diploma, a degree and paper academic credentials when hunting for a job in Singapore.Why won’t employers give a chance to those who have burning passion and know-how but without good GPA and connections from rich or shady people?