I’m not some larger-than-life entity nor do I regard myself as one.
I’m simply loud by nature, but years of being silent in penance of my misunderstood deeds, and also being told off to shut up has caused not only deep-setting unhappiness, it makes me want to scream even louder to prove my point straight without sugarcoating or sarcasms. I’m as real as I can be, given any unfavorable situation I’m in where the tides are against me. And I guess people are afraid of me to the point that some seek to vilify me and everything that I stand for.
It’s just within me to keep things real in perspective. Often I got misconstrued for being a pessimist or too emotionally fragile and not cheerful or outgoing enough. I’m just seeing life as a whole. I never feel comfortable with fakery, be they passive or not. My honest replies may come across as rigid, cold and harsh, but I’m never the kind to kiss asses or have a sarcastic tongue to be cool and to fit in. Maybe it’s my upbringing and social surroundings that shape me into the person I am. I didn’t ask to be this way.
I hate to be angry. For real. In fact it brings me to tears when the dust has settled in. I just want to be understood and loved even through good and bad times. I guess society as a whole do not understand rage and sadness well. We women especially are constantly putting other women down with insults. You fail, you get mobbed with criticism. You succeed with your hard work and dedication, they’re out there to hurt you. What have we become as humans? What do we really want in others? By tearing them to make ourselves feel better, are we really no different from the ones that we envy or strived to stay away from?