2016 – A year in review

New Year’s resolutions are really just a cycle of failed resolutions past. No one ever sticks to them till 31 Dec every year. I’m not salty or unmotivated, I’m just being frank. You don’t need to wait until the beginning of the year to make changes. 

The only few good things that happened to me in 2016 were retail therapy in malls, flea markets and expos, horseback riding on my own for the first time, watching Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice seven times (people may throw shade on me for loving it but it moved me in so many ways) and guarding my heart from falling in love blindly with irresponsible, manipulative guys. 

Like most people, 2016 fizzled out faster for me. It made me more distrustful towards guys around me. When did I ever fell sick so often as a result of constant burnout over lack of worklife balance? (onslaught of workload and escalations got me screaming publicly outside of work in agony several times) When did I ever become so cowardly, always retreating myself to wallflower-mode instead of running the show and owning memorable moments like an MVP? When did I ever become so lazy to the point of daily procrastination? How did I gain weight and look bloated and jaded so fast within 3 years?

One by one everyone around my age that I know of is now dating/engaged/married. To the point that I became even more reclusive as ever. Given my introverted self and tight on funds, I don’t think I wanna get married in a lavish manner and surrounded with filler bridesmaids and best men. (Sorry I’m not much of a clique-y, squad person; I’m more like a renegade, a lone wolf kind of a woman, so why would I need loads of bridesmaids to steal my main event?) Call me boring, cheapskate, pretencious, desperate or rigid for wanting a low-key, closed wedding event, but I rather choose long-term love and commitment than being broke and then call it quits over irreconciliable differences. I’m not a miser or a gold digger or a material girl, I’m just being financially responsible on a realistic note. Unless my future husband is a superstar or a billionaire and is willing to sponsor me and my family, extravagant weddings while caught in a staggering debt just don’t entice me at all.

I am a shadow of my former self and this depresses me. Will I ever find purpose and happiness in my life? Will I ever turn my life 360 before I hit the big 30 in three years from now?

Differing views

I don’t understand why people are so quick to talk down on me and disagree with me when we are on the same page dealing with a common challenge. I mean so what if I’m largely silent all this while and my viewpoints somewhat differ, I face life differently from others but that doesn’t give you the right to counter-attack me that way. Life is opening up for you? Good. But for the rest of us like me, our battles are far from over. 

In a survival-of-the-fittest world like this, it’s heartening that there are people who look up to you. You may mean nothing to yourself and everyone near you, but there will always be people out there who will look up to you as their inspiration. So don’t take these supporters for granted, because once you screwed them over, it’s over. 

Wrapping up 2016

2016 in general, is an awkwardly bad year. An age where my weight and image ballooned to a horrendous 10 kilograms plus within three years. A time where everyone is easily triggered by anything and everything. Less than 4 years left before I turn 30 yet I still haven’t achieved any single milestone in life – earning big bucks, dating/engaged/married with kids, graduated from university with honors, living the wanderlust life… Milestones that are social media and hashtag-worthy.

Carrying the ashes of 2015 and years before, I foolishly hope that things would turn well for me this year. It started off briefly positive until April I guess. That’s when I fell into relapse of past years, with procrastination being my biggest enemy. I had no history of procrastination at all until this year. Frustrations, confusion, envy and broken dreams followed after. 

When will I ever be over from this ongoing misery? Dreading over Mondays each time Sunday comes to a close? Same old bullshit every year. In an overzealous, gloomy society where money, academic grades, high/shady connections and x years of experience are EVERYTHING, would a vacation and a change of career reset everything and start all over anew?