Misunderstood

I’m not some larger-than-life entity nor do I regard myself as one. 

I’m simply loud by nature, but years of being silent in penance of my misunderstood deeds, and also being told off to shut up has caused not only deep-setting unhappiness, it makes me want to scream even louder to prove my point straight without sugarcoating or sarcasms. I’m as real as I can be, given any unfavorable situation I’m in where the tides are against me. And I guess people are afraid of me to the point that some seek to vilify me and everything that I stand for. 

It’s just within me to keep things real in perspective. Often I got misconstrued for being a pessimist or too emotionally fragile and not cheerful or outgoing enough. I’m just seeing life as a whole. I never feel comfortable with fakery, be they passive or not. My honest replies may come across as rigid, cold and harsh, but I’m never the kind to kiss asses or have a sarcastic tongue to be cool and to fit in. Maybe it’s my upbringing and social surroundings that shape me into the person I am. I didn’t ask to be this way. 

I hate to be angry. For real. In fact it brings me to tears when the dust has settled in. I just want to be understood and loved even through good and bad times. I guess society as a whole do not understand rage and sadness well. We women especially are constantly putting other women down with insults. You fail, you get mobbed with criticism. You succeed with your hard work and dedication, they’re out there to hurt you. What have we become as humans?  What do we really want in others? By tearing them to make ourselves feel better, are we really no different from the ones that we envy or strived to stay away from?

Slimming down

Looking through my recent photos, I feel that there’s a tremendous need to slim down. I really let myself balloon up to a fugly, bloated state. No matter how much most people try to convince me I look beautiful inside out despite my weight gain, the internal voice within tells me it’s not. Even I do admit I’m ashamed of my fattened image. Clothes no longer fit, get tired and vulnerable to health issues really easily, snoring way too loud in my sleep (I have never snored at all until 3 years ago).. The list goes on. This pudgy look is embarrassing, coming from someone who’s not even married with kids. Embarrassing to the point my self-esteem and outlook on life hits rock-bottom, preferring to hide in the shadows and live like a hermit instead.

😢😥⁉

A losing war

​Was greeted with a correctional form to fill up for resolving an outstanding request late today. To fill up such correctional forms at this point as an experienced staff, well this is embarrassing. My job is on the rocks, I can feel it in the air. It’s like I’m fighting a losing war with the odds overwhelming me. The urge to resign without a new job lined up immediately gets stronger with each day. I can’t be on sick leave or any form of leave peacefully without being bombarded with complaints at work.

I’m fighting this war on my own. Even through sickness and the fact that I’m now the legit breadwinner left in my household. My elder brother is out of job for weeks now and mom’s wages aren’t enough to keep up. Worried what shall I say to my family if, touch wood, the worst news hits me. 

Plans

My 2016 so far is no different from the previous years. Only this year it is largely filled with procrastinations, cowardice and laziness. A shadow of my former self. I was never this lazy and unmotivated my entire life. So sick of being depressed while looking on at former schoolmates and ex-colleagues faring well in their work and social lives. Promotions, road trips, weddings, baby showers and all.

I strive to stay positive and plough myself out from this quarter-life crisis. Been feeling like this since my early 20s, it gets worse as I age. Planning to get another job elsewhere that doesn’t deal with IT networks & securities for now. After two years of crash coursing and working in this field, my soul tells me I’m better off in a good paying job that fits my passion.

But my passion has yet to be revealed and cultivated. 

I was met by a former frienemy from my high school days nearly a year ago, who suggested that I should take up on writing as a fulfilling and rewarding career. I was surprised yet angry at the same time towards her on the suggestion. If she knew writing reviews, blog posts and short stories were my forte despite the lack of relevant academical grades and working experience in such a field 10 years back before our high school graduation, why didn’t she encourage me to pursue then? Why it took her almost 10 years to suggest it now? What was she hiding from me all this time as her career launches while I continue tumbling downhill with all the confusion I face? 

To write again feels alien to me now that I’m ten years behind. Used to dream of working for magazines such as ELLE, Cleo and Seventeen when I was 16-17 because Ugly Betty and The Devil Wears Prada partly influenced me then, along with trips to cinemas, Borders and HMV in town for the latest albums, singles and movie releases. Unfortunately I had to bury that dream in order to stay realistic and relevant due to less-than-outstanding O level results in high school, resulting me to take up odd jobs as a waitress, retail worker and several clerical gigs instead to stay monetarily afloat and appear normal.

Look what being normal does to me over the years. Wasted, out of shape, lagging behind in the workforce. Any plans to continue studying on a tertiary level are washed away due to money issues and the ongoing global economic crunch. 

 Fast forward to today I don’t stand a chance getting a full time job as a copy writer or content writer with the rat race against candidates who are highly skilled and experienced than me. That is the reality. 

Should I still pursue the dream to write or let it die? I still got one field yet to be explored – early childhood education. Not sure if I am comfortable around 20+ kids. I don’t hate kids, I’m just not used being around them and be a good role model to them. 

Pardon the lengthy post, I just want to be happy and fulfilled again for the long term.