Inter-generationals

My biggest enemy this year? Procrastination. I’ve grown too comfy over my shitty situation of being stuck in job I continually hate that even job hunting feels like a chore. I even forgot how to search and prepare myself to hunt again. When will the economy ever fully recover? It’s in the slumps for the past 2-3 decades. All no thanks to some selfish baby boomers with their rigid mindsets on money and hard work and then blaming all socio-economical problems on us millenials for being too soft and lacking motivation. At least we millenials try to make this world an inclusive place for everyone, including minorities, Muslims, people with special needs and LGBTQ community. 

Hurdles

My attempt to job hunt this week backfired on me. This past Tuesday, I received a call from a company looking for a help desk position. Unfortunately I was in a noisy, moving bus on my commute to work when the call took place, thus the voice on the other end was inaudible. I told her to call again but they didn’t. 

Once I alighted from the bus, I dialed the same number. To my dismay they replied with “Can we call you back later?”. Hearing this, tension mounted within me. I responded: “Well I just got down from the bus already, may I know who you are and what are you trying to offer me during our first call?” The answer was a weak, mumbling one. “Help desk” or something like that. I had had enough. I hung up. And there goes my first try in job hunting for the first time in two years.

My frequent saliva-spitting has recently returned after days of completing the earlier medication. But this time, there’s a slightly swollen lump growing in my throat where my chin is, painful when touched. Only discovered it two days ago after lunch. No pain while eating, talking or drinking. Went to the doctor to find out more, and they suspected that there may be a stone or some stones growing on my salivary glands, hence the swelling lump. I have to be refered to an ENT (ear, nose and throat) specialist for an appointment and treatment (to be announced by the hospital at a later date). Cancerous or benign the lump is, I’m not taking any chances and I better not end up with a huge mass of a tumor growing on my face, along with other health issues. And it’s even anguishing that my team leader dismissed my lump as a normal itchy patch. 

Great, more hurdles. Adding more stress to my work and my life in a nutshell. These frequent episodes of me getting illnesses I never encountered before as of late got me upset over my predicament and KPI and everything else in life. On top of the fact that I’m now the only top-earning family member left and my useless elder brother doesn’t even bother looking for a new job. He would rather laze at home or go to the gym at this bleak economic time. Get real. What’s the point of being a fitspo when you’re broke and jobless? As superficial as it sounds, money still talks. No money, no gain. 

Tell me how can I not be pissed off about the bullshit that’s happening to me? I can’t help blaming myself, it’s as though I allow all this crap to happen to me even if I’m not the one who perpetrated it.

Chasing happiness or money?

Googled through articles on least-stressful job positions. Some positions may pay lesser than my current job but if it fulfills and enriches me personally and professionally, why not? Sometimes having a higher salary may lead to higher levels of stress and a lot of unhappiness internalized. 

There are some library positions that caught my eye. It has been so long since I was surrounded with books and audio/video materials. Perhaps literary arts and creativity are my suppressed fortes that long to be tapped to good use. Thinking through my current situation, maybe I’m better off hunting again than risk getting the boot from the superiors should the worst happens. I pray that I’ll be able to pull this challenging phase through. 

Every day, a learning day

Went to a lifelong learning fair yesterday after my half-day shift. There’s a vast world of learning out there and here I am undecided on the next move of my career and learning process. I can only look with sad eyes, wondering if another shot of further studies and working towards a career I’m deeply passionate in is still worth fighting for at this age. I may be 26 at present, but years of flunking in studies, constant job-hopping and dissatisfaction in my current job have aged me tremendously. 

Tempted to go back to school or college again after a long-ass time, to learn new stuff again out of recreational and work purposes. Be they short courses, diplomas or degrees. I’m sick of my job. Everyday it gets clearer that I can’t run away from what I do best – creating new, engaging content I can call my own; writing about arts, media and pop culture. It’s in my veins, my best channel to voice out my ideas and viewpoints. But to break into the creative media and arts field would require at minimum, a tertiary-level diploma here in Singapore. As a less-than-outstanding student then and even in my career rut now, I worry about the time and money to spend on adult learning however, as fees for such courses are very pricey. Nor do I want to be a chronic hoarder of academical certificates.

I’m ten years too late to further my studies in order to earn a diploma or a degree, am I? This lose-lose situation of me stuck in my rocky IT helpdesk job intensifies my internalized doubts. Must stay strong for myself and my family amidst the ongoing economic gloom, what with a jobless elder brother at home to deal with.