New Year’s resolutions are really just a cycle of failed resolutions past. No one ever sticks to them till 31 Dec every year. I’m not salty or unmotivated, I’m just being frank. You don’t need to wait until the beginning of the year to make changes.
The only few good things that happened to me in 2016 were retail therapy in malls, flea markets and expos, horseback riding on my own for the first time, watching Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice seven times (people may throw shade on me for loving it but it moved me in so many ways) and guarding my heart from falling in love blindly with irresponsible, manipulative guys.
Like most people, 2016 fizzled out faster for me. It made me more distrustful towards guys around me. When did I ever fell sick so often as a result of constant burnout over lack of worklife balance? (onslaught of workload and escalations got me screaming publicly outside of work in agony several times) When did I ever become so cowardly, always retreating myself to wallflower-mode instead of running the show and owning memorable moments like an MVP? When did I ever become so lazy to the point of daily procrastination? How did I gain weight and look bloated and jaded so fast within 3 years?
One by one everyone around my age that I know of is now dating/engaged/married. To the point that I became even more reclusive as ever. Given my introverted self and tight on funds, I don’t think I wanna get married in a lavish manner and surrounded with filler bridesmaids and best men. (Sorry I’m not much of a clique-y, squad person; I’m more like a renegade, a lone wolf kind of a woman, so why would I need loads of bridesmaids to steal my main event?) Call me boring, cheapskate, pretencious, desperate or rigid for wanting a low-key, closed wedding event, but I rather choose long-term love and commitment than being broke and then call it quits over irreconciliable differences. I’m not a miser or a gold digger or a material girl, I’m just being financially responsible on a realistic note. Unless my future husband is a superstar or a billionaire and is willing to sponsor me and my family, extravagant weddings while caught in a staggering debt just don’t entice me at all.
I am a shadow of my former self and this depresses me. Will I ever find purpose and happiness in my life? Will I ever turn my life 360 before I hit the big 30 in three years from now?
I don’t understand why people are so quick to talk down on me and disagree with me when we are on the same page dealing with a common challenge. I mean so what if I’m largely silent all this while and my viewpoints somewhat differ, I face life differently from others but that doesn’t give you the right to counter-attack me that way. Life is opening up for you? Good. But for the rest of us like me, our battles are far from over.
In a survival-of-the-fittest world like this, it’s heartening that there are people who look up to you. You may mean nothing to yourself and everyone near you, but there will always be people out there who will look up to you as their inspiration. So don’t take these supporters for granted, because once you screwed them over, it’s over.
I’m not some larger-than-life entity nor do I regard myself as one.
I’m simply loud by nature, but years of being silent in penance of my misunderstood deeds, and also being told off to shut up has caused not only deep-setting unhappiness, it makes me want to scream even louder to prove my point straight without sugarcoating or sarcasms. I’m as real as I can be, given any unfavorable situation I’m in where the tides are against me. And I guess people are afraid of me to the point that some seek to vilify me and everything that I stand for.
It’s just within me to keep things real in perspective. Often I got misconstrued for being a pessimist or too emotionally fragile and not cheerful or outgoing enough. I’m just seeing life as a whole. I never feel comfortable with fakery, be they passive or not. My honest replies may come across as rigid, cold and harsh, but I’m never the kind to kiss asses or have a sarcastic tongue to be cool and to fit in. Maybe it’s my upbringing and social surroundings that shape me into the person I am. I didn’t ask to be this way.
I hate to be angry. For real. In fact it brings me to tears when the dust has settled in. I just want to be understood and loved even through good and bad times. I guess society as a whole do not understand rage and sadness well. We women especially are constantly putting other women down with insults. You fail, you get mobbed with criticism. You succeed with your hard work and dedication, they’re out there to hurt you. What have we become as humans? What do we really want in others? By tearing them to make ourselves feel better, are we really no different from the ones that we envy or strived to stay away from?