Signs

Some things to take a chance on before 2016 is over:

1. Take part in the Christmas dance at work during this festive season (it’s been almost ten years since I last danced in front of a large audience).

2. Get to know that street musician living in my neighborhood (lately he’s kinda keen on me and remains polite despite my hesitance to give him my number)

3. Watch Moana and Star Wars: Rogue One

Even through the slump, I still try to squeeze lighter moments in between, hoping to shine a light no matter what comes. I wonder could #2 be a sign for me, to have a shot at a friendship (and perhaps love?) 

Inter-generationals

My biggest enemy this year? Procrastination. I’ve grown too comfy over my shitty situation of being stuck in job I continually hate that even job hunting feels like a chore. I even forgot how to search and prepare myself to hunt again. When will the economy ever fully recover? It’s in the slumps for the past 2-3 decades. All no thanks to some selfish baby boomers with their rigid mindsets on money and hard work and then blaming all socio-economical problems on us millenials for being too soft and lacking motivation. At least we millenials try to make this world an inclusive place for everyone, including minorities, Muslims, people with special needs and LGBTQ community. 

Retail therapy

Retail therapy never felt so good. 

My urge to buy new makeup reawakened a few days ago, be it drugstore, at Sephora, at flea markets or even online. Same goes with new clothes. A lot of my clothes no longer fit me especially the bottoms (trousers/pants/jeans and skirts). My fashion taste is kind of eclectic, casual and sharp, straying away from conventional, current, Instagram-worthy trends and fiercely staying true to myself. 
Weekends never seem enough for me. My job hunt so far is like waiting for a rain in a barren desert. Another job agency called me this past Thursday, offering me a helpdesk position in a healthcare setting. Okay, now where’s my resume and photocopies of my academical achievements? The stipulated 45 days’ notice of tendering resignation is a deal breaker. Such notice imprisons me, there’s likely a chance that the interested employers may end up not hiring me upon hearing that.

Chasing happiness or money?

Googled through articles on least-stressful job positions. Some positions may pay lesser than my current job but if it fulfills and enriches me personally and professionally, why not? Sometimes having a higher salary may lead to higher levels of stress and a lot of unhappiness internalized. 

There are some library positions that caught my eye. It has been so long since I was surrounded with books and audio/video materials. Perhaps literary arts and creativity are my suppressed fortes that long to be tapped to good use. Thinking through my current situation, maybe I’m better off hunting again than risk getting the boot from the superiors should the worst happens. I pray that I’ll be able to pull this challenging phase through. 

Every day, a learning day

Went to a lifelong learning fair yesterday after my half-day shift. There’s a vast world of learning out there and here I am undecided on the next move of my career and learning process. I can only look with sad eyes, wondering if another shot of further studies and working towards a career I’m deeply passionate in is still worth fighting for at this age. I may be 26 at present, but years of flunking in studies, constant job-hopping and dissatisfaction in my current job have aged me tremendously. 

Tempted to go back to school or college again after a long-ass time, to learn new stuff again out of recreational and work purposes. Be they short courses, diplomas or degrees. I’m sick of my job. Everyday it gets clearer that I can’t run away from what I do best – creating new, engaging content I can call my own; writing about arts, media and pop culture. It’s in my veins, my best channel to voice out my ideas and viewpoints. But to break into the creative media and arts field would require at minimum, a tertiary-level diploma here in Singapore. As a less-than-outstanding student then and even in my career rut now, I worry about the time and money to spend on adult learning however, as fees for such courses are very pricey. Nor do I want to be a chronic hoarder of academical certificates.

I’m ten years too late to further my studies in order to earn a diploma or a degree, am I? This lose-lose situation of me stuck in my rocky IT helpdesk job intensifies my internalized doubts. Must stay strong for myself and my family amidst the ongoing economic gloom, what with a jobless elder brother at home to deal with. 

Should I quit? 

Sometimes quitting without a new job lined up seems like a brave thing to do. At least you get to leave peacefully without risking getting fired and allow yourself time and space to heal, to clear your head, to look ahead of opportunities. I wish I can muster up enough courage to quit. The longer I stay in my present job, the more tired, stagnant and vulnerable I am in making even more mistakes. The gruelling hours to complete multi-tasking daily has affected my health and my outlook on life adversely. 

What kind of life I’m living in as a 26-year-old single working female? Having to support my aging mom and now my unemployed big brother, the odds are stacked against me. I’m so sick of falling sick over too much workload and getting chased by multiple parties. So tired of crying rain. If work starts late like say, 11am to 8pm for me, there goes my motivation and procrastination creeps in. By the time I’m done I can only manage to eat and sleep. 

Tell me what kind of life is that?! 😩😖

A losing war

​Was greeted with a correctional form to fill up for resolving an outstanding request late today. To fill up such correctional forms at this point as an experienced staff, well this is embarrassing. My job is on the rocks, I can feel it in the air. It’s like I’m fighting a losing war with the odds overwhelming me. The urge to resign without a new job lined up immediately gets stronger with each day. I can’t be on sick leave or any form of leave peacefully without being bombarded with complaints at work.

I’m fighting this war on my own. Even through sickness and the fact that I’m now the legit breadwinner left in my household. My elder brother is out of job for weeks now and mom’s wages aren’t enough to keep up. Worried what shall I say to my family if, touch wood, the worst news hits me. 

One is a loneliest number

I’m drained out of energy. Donald Trump is now the new President of the United States. That spells doom to America and the whole world. And I’m real tired of my job’s toxic environment. Having to get my shit together as a third-year senior staff and  my moves monitored closely cages me. There is still that desire to write inside of me, it just won’t die. Maybe writing is my true calling although rusty with writer’s block for lack of quality and creativity to pen.

This feeling of helplessness and frequently falling sick.. They manifest not just from external factors but from within too. It’s tough getting by in life pursuing your passion when society often tells you not to quit your job without a new one lined up. Life already is unpredictable and so is the ongoing stagnant economic recession. Everyday I browse catalogues of short courses offered by local institutions online pertaining to arts, technology and marketing; hoping to find time and space to build my portfolio and knowledge in the creative industry. Yet I still hadn’t made up my mind as I’m spoilt for choices. Course fees are a key factor too, along with schedules and traveling distance to study from home and back.

Aside from stiff job competition from foreigners, it sucks to be shamed endlessly for lacking a tertiary diploma, a degree and paper academic credentials when hunting for a job in Singapore.Why won’t employers give a chance to those who have burning passion and know-how but without good GPA and connections from rich or shady people?

Plans

My 2016 so far is no different from the previous years. Only this year it is largely filled with procrastinations, cowardice and laziness. A shadow of my former self. I was never this lazy and unmotivated my entire life. So sick of being depressed while looking on at former schoolmates and ex-colleagues faring well in their work and social lives. Promotions, road trips, weddings, baby showers and all.

I strive to stay positive and plough myself out from this quarter-life crisis. Been feeling like this since my early 20s, it gets worse as I age. Planning to get another job elsewhere that doesn’t deal with IT networks & securities for now. After two years of crash coursing and working in this field, my soul tells me I’m better off in a good paying job that fits my passion.

But my passion has yet to be revealed and cultivated. 

I was met by a former frienemy from my high school days nearly a year ago, who suggested that I should take up on writing as a fulfilling and rewarding career. I was surprised yet angry at the same time towards her on the suggestion. If she knew writing reviews, blog posts and short stories were my forte despite the lack of relevant academical grades and working experience in such a field 10 years back before our high school graduation, why didn’t she encourage me to pursue then? Why it took her almost 10 years to suggest it now? What was she hiding from me all this time as her career launches while I continue tumbling downhill with all the confusion I face? 

To write again feels alien to me now that I’m ten years behind. Used to dream of working for magazines such as ELLE, Cleo and Seventeen when I was 16-17 because Ugly Betty and The Devil Wears Prada partly influenced me then, along with trips to cinemas, Borders and HMV in town for the latest albums, singles and movie releases. Unfortunately I had to bury that dream in order to stay realistic and relevant due to less-than-outstanding O level results in high school, resulting me to take up odd jobs as a waitress, retail worker and several clerical gigs instead to stay monetarily afloat and appear normal.

Look what being normal does to me over the years. Wasted, out of shape, lagging behind in the workforce. Any plans to continue studying on a tertiary level are washed away due to money issues and the ongoing global economic crunch. 

 Fast forward to today I don’t stand a chance getting a full time job as a copy writer or content writer with the rat race against candidates who are highly skilled and experienced than me. That is the reality. 

Should I still pursue the dream to write or let it die? I still got one field yet to be explored – early childhood education. Not sure if I am comfortable around 20+ kids. I don’t hate kids, I’m just not used being around them and be a good role model to them. 

Pardon the lengthy post, I just want to be happy and fulfilled again for the long term.