Every day, a learning day

Went to a lifelong learning fair yesterday after my half-day shift. There’s a vast world of learning out there and here I am undecided on the next move of my career and learning process. I can only look with sad eyes, wondering if another shot of further studies and working towards a career I’m deeply passionate in is still worth fighting for at this age. I may be 26 at present, but years of flunking in studies, constant job-hopping and dissatisfaction in my current job have aged me tremendously. 

Tempted to go back to school or college again after a long-ass time, to learn new stuff again out of recreational and work purposes. Be they short courses, diplomas or degrees. I’m sick of my job. Everyday it gets clearer that I can’t run away from what I do best – creating new, engaging content I can call my own; writing about arts, media and pop culture. It’s in my veins, my best channel to voice out my ideas and viewpoints. But to break into the creative media and arts field would require at minimum, a tertiary-level diploma here in Singapore. As a less-than-outstanding student then and even in my career rut now, I worry about the time and money to spend on adult learning however, as fees for such courses are very pricey. Nor do I want to be a chronic hoarder of academical certificates.

I’m ten years too late to further my studies in order to earn a diploma or a degree, am I? This lose-lose situation of me stuck in my rocky IT helpdesk job intensifies my internalized doubts. Must stay strong for myself and my family amidst the ongoing economic gloom, what with a jobless elder brother at home to deal with. 

Plans

My 2016 so far is no different from the previous years. Only this year it is largely filled with procrastinations, cowardice and laziness. A shadow of my former self. I was never this lazy and unmotivated my entire life. So sick of being depressed while looking on at former schoolmates and ex-colleagues faring well in their work and social lives. Promotions, road trips, weddings, baby showers and all.

I strive to stay positive and plough myself out from this quarter-life crisis. Been feeling like this since my early 20s, it gets worse as I age. Planning to get another job elsewhere that doesn’t deal with IT networks & securities for now. After two years of crash coursing and working in this field, my soul tells me I’m better off in a good paying job that fits my passion.

But my passion has yet to be revealed and cultivated. 

I was met by a former frienemy from my high school days nearly a year ago, who suggested that I should take up on writing as a fulfilling and rewarding career. I was surprised yet angry at the same time towards her on the suggestion. If she knew writing reviews, blog posts and short stories were my forte despite the lack of relevant academical grades and working experience in such a field 10 years back before our high school graduation, why didn’t she encourage me to pursue then? Why it took her almost 10 years to suggest it now? What was she hiding from me all this time as her career launches while I continue tumbling downhill with all the confusion I face? 

To write again feels alien to me now that I’m ten years behind. Used to dream of working for magazines such as ELLE, Cleo and Seventeen when I was 16-17 because Ugly Betty and The Devil Wears Prada partly influenced me then, along with trips to cinemas, Borders and HMV in town for the latest albums, singles and movie releases. Unfortunately I had to bury that dream in order to stay realistic and relevant due to less-than-outstanding O level results in high school, resulting me to take up odd jobs as a waitress, retail worker and several clerical gigs instead to stay monetarily afloat and appear normal.

Look what being normal does to me over the years. Wasted, out of shape, lagging behind in the workforce. Any plans to continue studying on a tertiary level are washed away due to money issues and the ongoing global economic crunch. 

 Fast forward to today I don’t stand a chance getting a full time job as a copy writer or content writer with the rat race against candidates who are highly skilled and experienced than me. That is the reality. 

Should I still pursue the dream to write or let it die? I still got one field yet to be explored – early childhood education. Not sure if I am comfortable around 20+ kids. I don’t hate kids, I’m just not used being around them and be a good role model to them. 

Pardon the lengthy post, I just want to be happy and fulfilled again for the long term.