2016 – A year in review

New Year’s resolutions are really just a cycle of failed resolutions past. No one ever sticks to them till 31 Dec every year. I’m not salty or unmotivated, I’m just being frank. You don’t need to wait until the beginning of the year to make changes. 

The only few good things that happened to me in 2016 were retail therapy in malls, flea markets and expos, horseback riding on my own for the first time, watching Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice seven times (people may throw shade on me for loving it but it moved me in so many ways) and guarding my heart from falling in love blindly with irresponsible, manipulative guys. 

Like most people, 2016 fizzled out faster for me. It made me more distrustful towards guys around me. When did I ever fell sick so often as a result of constant burnout over lack of worklife balance? (onslaught of workload and escalations got me screaming publicly outside of work in agony several times) When did I ever become so cowardly, always retreating myself to wallflower-mode instead of running the show and owning memorable moments like an MVP? When did I ever become so lazy to the point of daily procrastination? How did I gain weight and look bloated and jaded so fast within 3 years?

One by one everyone around my age that I know of is now dating/engaged/married. To the point that I became even more reclusive as ever. Given my introverted self and tight on funds, I don’t think I wanna get married in a lavish manner and surrounded with filler bridesmaids and best men. (Sorry I’m not much of a clique-y, squad person; I’m more like a renegade, a lone wolf kind of a woman, so why would I need loads of bridesmaids to steal my main event?) Call me boring, cheapskate, pretencious, desperate or rigid for wanting a low-key, closed wedding event, but I rather choose long-term love and commitment than being broke and then call it quits over irreconciliable differences. I’m not a miser or a gold digger or a material girl, I’m just being financially responsible on a realistic note. Unless my future husband is a superstar or a billionaire and is willing to sponsor me and my family, extravagant weddings while caught in a staggering debt just don’t entice me at all.

I am a shadow of my former self and this depresses me. Will I ever find purpose and happiness in my life? Will I ever turn my life 360 before I hit the big 30 in three years from now?

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Differing views

I don’t understand why people are so quick to talk down on me and disagree with me when we are on the same page dealing with a common challenge. I mean so what if I’m largely silent all this while and my viewpoints somewhat differ, I face life differently from others but that doesn’t give you the right to counter-attack me that way. Life is opening up for you? Good. But for the rest of us like me, our battles are far from over. 

In a survival-of-the-fittest world like this, it’s heartening that there are people who look up to you. You may mean nothing to yourself and everyone near you, but there will always be people out there who will look up to you as their inspiration. So don’t take these supporters for granted, because once you screwed them over, it’s over. 

Wrapping up 2016

2016 in general, is an awkwardly bad year. An age where my weight and image ballooned to a horrendous 10 kilograms plus within three years. A time where everyone is easily triggered by anything and everything. Less than 4 years left before I turn 30 yet I still haven’t achieved any single milestone in life – earning big bucks, dating/engaged/married with kids, graduated from university with honors, living the wanderlust life… Milestones that are social media and hashtag-worthy.

Carrying the ashes of 2015 and years before, I foolishly hope that things would turn well for me this year. It started off briefly positive until April I guess. That’s when I fell into relapse of past years, with procrastination being my biggest enemy. I had no history of procrastination at all until this year. Frustrations, confusion, envy and broken dreams followed after. 

When will I ever be over from this ongoing misery? Dreading over Mondays each time Sunday comes to a close? Same old bullshit every year. In an overzealous, gloomy society where money, academic grades, high/shady connections and x years of experience are EVERYTHING, would a vacation and a change of career reset everything and start all over anew?

Misunderstood

I’m not some larger-than-life entity nor do I regard myself as one. 

I’m simply loud by nature, but years of being silent in penance of my misunderstood deeds, and also being told off to shut up has caused not only deep-setting unhappiness, it makes me want to scream even louder to prove my point straight without sugarcoating or sarcasms. I’m as real as I can be, given any unfavorable situation I’m in where the tides are against me. And I guess people are afraid of me to the point that some seek to vilify me and everything that I stand for. 

It’s just within me to keep things real in perspective. Often I got misconstrued for being a pessimist or too emotionally fragile and not cheerful or outgoing enough. I’m just seeing life as a whole. I never feel comfortable with fakery, be they passive or not. My honest replies may come across as rigid, cold and harsh, but I’m never the kind to kiss asses or have a sarcastic tongue to be cool and to fit in. Maybe it’s my upbringing and social surroundings that shape me into the person I am. I didn’t ask to be this way. 

I hate to be angry. For real. In fact it brings me to tears when the dust has settled in. I just want to be understood and loved even through good and bad times. I guess society as a whole do not understand rage and sadness well. We women especially are constantly putting other women down with insults. You fail, you get mobbed with criticism. You succeed with your hard work and dedication, they’re out there to hurt you. What have we become as humans?  What do we really want in others? By tearing them to make ourselves feel better, are we really no different from the ones that we envy or strived to stay away from?

Inter-generationals

My biggest enemy this year? Procrastination. I’ve grown too comfy over my shitty situation of being stuck in job I continually hate that even job hunting feels like a chore. I even forgot how to search and prepare myself to hunt again. When will the economy ever fully recover? It’s in the slumps for the past 2-3 decades. All no thanks to some selfish baby boomers with their rigid mindsets on money and hard work and then blaming all socio-economical problems on us millenials for being too soft and lacking motivation. At least we millenials try to make this world an inclusive place for everyone, including minorities, Muslims, people with special needs and LGBTQ community. 

Retail therapy

Retail therapy never felt so good. 

My urge to buy new makeup reawakened a few days ago, be it drugstore, at Sephora, at flea markets or even online. Same goes with new clothes. A lot of my clothes no longer fit me especially the bottoms (trousers/pants/jeans and skirts). My fashion taste is kind of eclectic, casual and sharp, straying away from conventional, current, Instagram-worthy trends and fiercely staying true to myself. 
Weekends never seem enough for me. My job hunt so far is like waiting for a rain in a barren desert. Another job agency called me this past Thursday, offering me a helpdesk position in a healthcare setting. Okay, now where’s my resume and photocopies of my academical achievements? The stipulated 45 days’ notice of tendering resignation is a deal breaker. Such notice imprisons me, there’s likely a chance that the interested employers may end up not hiring me upon hearing that.

Hurdles

My attempt to job hunt this week backfired on me. This past Tuesday, I received a call from a company looking for a help desk position. Unfortunately I was in a noisy, moving bus on my commute to work when the call took place, thus the voice on the other end was inaudible. I told her to call again but they didn’t. 

Once I alighted from the bus, I dialed the same number. To my dismay they replied with “Can we call you back later?”. Hearing this, tension mounted within me. I responded: “Well I just got down from the bus already, may I know who you are and what are you trying to offer me during our first call?” The answer was a weak, mumbling one. “Help desk” or something like that. I had had enough. I hung up. And there goes my first try in job hunting for the first time in two years.

My frequent saliva-spitting has recently returned after days of completing the earlier medication. But this time, there’s a slightly swollen lump growing in my throat where my chin is, painful when touched. Only discovered it two days ago after lunch. No pain while eating, talking or drinking. Went to the doctor to find out more, and they suspected that there may be a stone or some stones growing on my salivary glands, hence the swelling lump. I have to be refered to an ENT (ear, nose and throat) specialist for an appointment and treatment (to be announced by the hospital at a later date). Cancerous or benign the lump is, I’m not taking any chances and I better not end up with a huge mass of a tumor growing on my face, along with other health issues. And it’s even anguishing that my team leader dismissed my lump as a normal itchy patch. 

Great, more hurdles. Adding more stress to my work and my life in a nutshell. These frequent episodes of me getting illnesses I never encountered before as of late got me upset over my predicament and KPI and everything else in life. On top of the fact that I’m now the only top-earning family member left and my useless elder brother doesn’t even bother looking for a new job. He would rather laze at home or go to the gym at this bleak economic time. Get real. What’s the point of being a fitspo when you’re broke and jobless? As superficial as it sounds, money still talks. No money, no gain. 

Tell me how can I not be pissed off about the bullshit that’s happening to me? I can’t help blaming myself, it’s as though I allow all this crap to happen to me even if I’m not the one who perpetrated it.

Survival

Everyday feels like survival mode in spite of my growing procrastination. No sign of the horizon nearby. What used to be natural for me now isn’t. Deflated hope, more lethargy and disinterest each day. Used to look forward to the mornings but now even sleep never seems enough. Soldiering on despite my woes at work and elsewhere is a losing game that I keep dragging on for the sake of salaries and staying strong. 

After weeks of delays, I finally managed to watch Doctor Strange & Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them yesyerday. It was a magically light-hearted comeback for me in the cinemas after my dismal reception for Suicide Squad. My mood did lift a bit positively because of that but in reality, 2016 in a nutshell is akin to staying glued to a series finale of the year 2016. Stuck with neverending work with no holidays in between as usual even through the year’s end.

Should I quit? 

Sometimes quitting without a new job lined up seems like a brave thing to do. At least you get to leave peacefully without risking getting fired and allow yourself time and space to heal, to clear your head, to look ahead of opportunities. I wish I can muster up enough courage to quit. The longer I stay in my present job, the more tired, stagnant and vulnerable I am in making even more mistakes. The gruelling hours to complete multi-tasking daily has affected my health and my outlook on life adversely. 

What kind of life I’m living in as a 26-year-old single working female? Having to support my aging mom and now my unemployed big brother, the odds are stacked against me. I’m so sick of falling sick over too much workload and getting chased by multiple parties. So tired of crying rain. If work starts late like say, 11am to 8pm for me, there goes my motivation and procrastination creeps in. By the time I’m done I can only manage to eat and sleep. 

Tell me what kind of life is that?! 😩😖

Pep talk

It’s tough to mentally pep talk myself up on staying positive and happy and all the rah-rah cheerleader-like stuff when my ongoing issues are far from over. How to people will themselves that way? I’m not being a pessimist here, I’m more of  a realist and not the type to sugarcoat, overexaggerate or be sarcastic in my viewpoints. I wish I’m easily understood without people preconceiving negative thoughts about me. So what if I’m not (and never will be) a part of the herd mentality, does that make me an enemy although we may be on the same side of tough situations we hate?