Hurdles

My attempt to job hunt this week backfired on me. This past Tuesday, I received a call from a company looking for a help desk position. Unfortunately I was in a noisy, moving bus on my commute to work when the call took place, thus the voice on the other end was inaudible. I told her to call again but they didn’t. 

Once I alighted from the bus, I dialed the same number. To my dismay they replied with “Can we call you back later?”. Hearing this, tension mounted within me. I responded: “Well I just got down from the bus already, may I know who you are and what are you trying to offer me during our first call?” The answer was a weak, mumbling one. “Help desk” or something like that. I had had enough. I hung up. And there goes my first try in job hunting for the first time in two years.

My frequent saliva-spitting has recently returned after days of completing the earlier medication. But this time, there’s a slightly swollen lump growing in my throat where my chin is, painful when touched. Only discovered it two days ago after lunch. No pain while eating, talking or drinking. Went to the doctor to find out more, and they suspected that there may be a stone or some stones growing on my salivary glands, hence the swelling lump. I have to be refered to an ENT (ear, nose and throat) specialist for an appointment and treatment (to be announced by the hospital at a later date). Cancerous or benign the lump is, I’m not taking any chances and I better not end up with a huge mass of a tumor growing on my face, along with other health issues. And it’s even anguishing that my team leader dismissed my lump as a normal itchy patch. 

Great, more hurdles. Adding more stress to my work and my life in a nutshell. These frequent episodes of me getting illnesses I never encountered before as of late got me upset over my predicament and KPI and everything else in life. On top of the fact that I’m now the only top-earning family member left and my useless elder brother doesn’t even bother looking for a new job. He would rather laze at home or go to the gym at this bleak economic time. Get real. What’s the point of being a fitspo when you’re broke and jobless? As superficial as it sounds, money still talks. No money, no gain. 

Tell me how can I not be pissed off about the bullshit that’s happening to me? I can’t help blaming myself, it’s as though I allow all this crap to happen to me even if I’m not the one who perpetrated it.

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Slimming down

Looking through my recent photos, I feel that there’s a tremendous need to slim down. I really let myself balloon up to a fugly, bloated state. No matter how much most people try to convince me I look beautiful inside out despite my weight gain, the internal voice within tells me it’s not. Even I do admit I’m ashamed of my fattened image. Clothes no longer fit, get tired and vulnerable to health issues really easily, snoring way too loud in my sleep (I have never snored at all until 3 years ago).. The list goes on. This pudgy look is embarrassing, coming from someone who’s not even married with kids. Embarrassing to the point my self-esteem and outlook on life hits rock-bottom, preferring to hide in the shadows and live like a hermit instead.

😢😥⁉

Should I quit? 

Sometimes quitting without a new job lined up seems like a brave thing to do. At least you get to leave peacefully without risking getting fired and allow yourself time and space to heal, to clear your head, to look ahead of opportunities. I wish I can muster up enough courage to quit. The longer I stay in my present job, the more tired, stagnant and vulnerable I am in making even more mistakes. The gruelling hours to complete multi-tasking daily has affected my health and my outlook on life adversely. 

What kind of life I’m living in as a 26-year-old single working female? Having to support my aging mom and now my unemployed big brother, the odds are stacked against me. I’m so sick of falling sick over too much workload and getting chased by multiple parties. So tired of crying rain. If work starts late like say, 11am to 8pm for me, there goes my motivation and procrastination creeps in. By the time I’m done I can only manage to eat and sleep. 

Tell me what kind of life is that?! 😩😖