Differing views

I don’t understand why people are so quick to talk down on me and disagree with me when we are on the same page dealing with a common challenge. I mean so what if I’m largely silent all this while and my viewpoints somewhat differ, I face life differently from others but that doesn’t give you the right to counter-attack me that way. Life is opening up for you? Good. But for the rest of us like me, our battles are far from over. 

In a survival-of-the-fittest world like this, it’s heartening that there are people who look up to you. You may mean nothing to yourself and everyone near you, but there will always be people out there who will look up to you as their inspiration. So don’t take these supporters for granted, because once you screwed them over, it’s over. 

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Signs

Some things to take a chance on before 2016 is over:

1. Take part in the Christmas dance at work during this festive season (it’s been almost ten years since I last danced in front of a large audience).

2. Get to know that street musician living in my neighborhood (lately he’s kinda keen on me and remains polite despite my hesitance to give him my number)

3. Watch Moana and Star Wars: Rogue One

Even through the slump, I still try to squeeze lighter moments in between, hoping to shine a light no matter what comes. I wonder could #2 be a sign for me, to have a shot at a friendship (and perhaps love?) 

Misunderstood

I’m not some larger-than-life entity nor do I regard myself as one. 

I’m simply loud by nature, but years of being silent in penance of my misunderstood deeds, and also being told off to shut up has caused not only deep-setting unhappiness, it makes me want to scream even louder to prove my point straight without sugarcoating or sarcasms. I’m as real as I can be, given any unfavorable situation I’m in where the tides are against me. And I guess people are afraid of me to the point that some seek to vilify me and everything that I stand for. 

It’s just within me to keep things real in perspective. Often I got misconstrued for being a pessimist or too emotionally fragile and not cheerful or outgoing enough. I’m just seeing life as a whole. I never feel comfortable with fakery, be they passive or not. My honest replies may come across as rigid, cold and harsh, but I’m never the kind to kiss asses or have a sarcastic tongue to be cool and to fit in. Maybe it’s my upbringing and social surroundings that shape me into the person I am. I didn’t ask to be this way. 

I hate to be angry. For real. In fact it brings me to tears when the dust has settled in. I just want to be understood and loved even through good and bad times. I guess society as a whole do not understand rage and sadness well. We women especially are constantly putting other women down with insults. You fail, you get mobbed with criticism. You succeed with your hard work and dedication, they’re out there to hurt you. What have we become as humans?  What do we really want in others? By tearing them to make ourselves feel better, are we really no different from the ones that we envy or strived to stay away from?

Retail therapy

Retail therapy never felt so good. 

My urge to buy new makeup reawakened a few days ago, be it drugstore, at Sephora, at flea markets or even online. Same goes with new clothes. A lot of my clothes no longer fit me especially the bottoms (trousers/pants/jeans and skirts). My fashion taste is kind of eclectic, casual and sharp, straying away from conventional, current, Instagram-worthy trends and fiercely staying true to myself. 
Weekends never seem enough for me. My job hunt so far is like waiting for a rain in a barren desert. Another job agency called me this past Thursday, offering me a helpdesk position in a healthcare setting. Okay, now where’s my resume and photocopies of my academical achievements? The stipulated 45 days’ notice of tendering resignation is a deal breaker. Such notice imprisons me, there’s likely a chance that the interested employers may end up not hiring me upon hearing that.

Chasing happiness or money?

Googled through articles on least-stressful job positions. Some positions may pay lesser than my current job but if it fulfills and enriches me personally and professionally, why not? Sometimes having a higher salary may lead to higher levels of stress and a lot of unhappiness internalized. 

There are some library positions that caught my eye. It has been so long since I was surrounded with books and audio/video materials. Perhaps literary arts and creativity are my suppressed fortes that long to be tapped to good use. Thinking through my current situation, maybe I’m better off hunting again than risk getting the boot from the superiors should the worst happens. I pray that I’ll be able to pull this challenging phase through. 

Every day, a learning day

Went to a lifelong learning fair yesterday after my half-day shift. There’s a vast world of learning out there and here I am undecided on the next move of my career and learning process. I can only look with sad eyes, wondering if another shot of further studies and working towards a career I’m deeply passionate in is still worth fighting for at this age. I may be 26 at present, but years of flunking in studies, constant job-hopping and dissatisfaction in my current job have aged me tremendously. 

Tempted to go back to school or college again after a long-ass time, to learn new stuff again out of recreational and work purposes. Be they short courses, diplomas or degrees. I’m sick of my job. Everyday it gets clearer that I can’t run away from what I do best – creating new, engaging content I can call my own; writing about arts, media and pop culture. It’s in my veins, my best channel to voice out my ideas and viewpoints. But to break into the creative media and arts field would require at minimum, a tertiary-level diploma here in Singapore. As a less-than-outstanding student then and even in my career rut now, I worry about the time and money to spend on adult learning however, as fees for such courses are very pricey. Nor do I want to be a chronic hoarder of academical certificates.

I’m ten years too late to further my studies in order to earn a diploma or a degree, am I? This lose-lose situation of me stuck in my rocky IT helpdesk job intensifies my internalized doubts. Must stay strong for myself and my family amidst the ongoing economic gloom, what with a jobless elder brother at home to deal with. 

Should I quit? 

Sometimes quitting without a new job lined up seems like a brave thing to do. At least you get to leave peacefully without risking getting fired and allow yourself time and space to heal, to clear your head, to look ahead of opportunities. I wish I can muster up enough courage to quit. The longer I stay in my present job, the more tired, stagnant and vulnerable I am in making even more mistakes. The gruelling hours to complete multi-tasking daily has affected my health and my outlook on life adversely. 

What kind of life I’m living in as a 26-year-old single working female? Having to support my aging mom and now my unemployed big brother, the odds are stacked against me. I’m so sick of falling sick over too much workload and getting chased by multiple parties. So tired of crying rain. If work starts late like say, 11am to 8pm for me, there goes my motivation and procrastination creeps in. By the time I’m done I can only manage to eat and sleep. 

Tell me what kind of life is that?! 😩😖

A losing war

​Was greeted with a correctional form to fill up for resolving an outstanding request late today. To fill up such correctional forms at this point as an experienced staff, well this is embarrassing. My job is on the rocks, I can feel it in the air. It’s like I’m fighting a losing war with the odds overwhelming me. The urge to resign without a new job lined up immediately gets stronger with each day. I can’t be on sick leave or any form of leave peacefully without being bombarded with complaints at work.

I’m fighting this war on my own. Even through sickness and the fact that I’m now the legit breadwinner left in my household. My elder brother is out of job for weeks now and mom’s wages aren’t enough to keep up. Worried what shall I say to my family if, touch wood, the worst news hits me. 

One is a loneliest number

I’m drained out of energy. Donald Trump is now the new President of the United States. That spells doom to America and the whole world. And I’m real tired of my job’s toxic environment. Having to get my shit together as a third-year senior staff and  my moves monitored closely cages me. There is still that desire to write inside of me, it just won’t die. Maybe writing is my true calling although rusty with writer’s block for lack of quality and creativity to pen.

This feeling of helplessness and frequently falling sick.. They manifest not just from external factors but from within too. It’s tough getting by in life pursuing your passion when society often tells you not to quit your job without a new one lined up. Life already is unpredictable and so is the ongoing stagnant economic recession. Everyday I browse catalogues of short courses offered by local institutions online pertaining to arts, technology and marketing; hoping to find time and space to build my portfolio and knowledge in the creative industry. Yet I still hadn’t made up my mind as I’m spoilt for choices. Course fees are a key factor too, along with schedules and traveling distance to study from home and back.

Aside from stiff job competition from foreigners, it sucks to be shamed endlessly for lacking a tertiary diploma, a degree and paper academic credentials when hunting for a job in Singapore.Why won’t employers give a chance to those who have burning passion and know-how but without good GPA and connections from rich or shady people?

Pep talk

It’s tough to mentally pep talk myself up on staying positive and happy and all the rah-rah cheerleader-like stuff when my ongoing issues are far from over. How to people will themselves that way? I’m not being a pessimist here, I’m more of  a realist and not the type to sugarcoat, overexaggerate or be sarcastic in my viewpoints. I wish I’m easily understood without people preconceiving negative thoughts about me. So what if I’m not (and never will be) a part of the herd mentality, does that make me an enemy although we may be on the same side of tough situations we hate?