I don’t understand why people are so quick to talk down on me and disagree with me when we are on the same page dealing with a common challenge. I mean so what if I’m largely silent all this while and my viewpoints somewhat differ, I face life differently from others but that doesn’t give you the right to counter-attack me that way. Life is opening up for you? Good. But for the rest of us like me, our battles are far from over.
In a survival-of-the-fittest world like this, it’s heartening that there are people who look up to you. You may mean nothing to yourself and everyone near you, but there will always be people out there who will look up to you as their inspiration. So don’t take these supporters for granted, because once you screwed them over, it’s over.
2016 in general, is an awkwardly bad year. An age where my weight and image ballooned to a horrendous 10 kilograms plus within three years. A time where everyone is easily triggered by anything and everything. Less than 4 years left before I turn 30 yet I still haven’t achieved any single milestone in life – earning big bucks, dating/engaged/married with kids, graduated from university with honors, living the wanderlust life… Milestones that are social media and hashtag-worthy.
Carrying the ashes of 2015 and years before, I foolishly hope that things would turn well for me this year. It started off briefly positive until April I guess. That’s when I fell into relapse of past years, with procrastination being my biggest enemy. I had no history of procrastination at all until this year. Frustrations, confusion, envy and broken dreams followed after.
When will I ever be over from this ongoing misery? Dreading over Mondays each time Sunday comes to a close? Same old bullshit every year. In an overzealous, gloomy society where money, academic grades, high/shady connections and x years of experience are EVERYTHING, would a vacation and a change of career reset everything and start all over anew?
I’m not some larger-than-life entity nor do I regard myself as one.
I’m simply loud by nature, but years of being silent in penance of my misunderstood deeds, and also being told off to shut up has caused not only deep-setting unhappiness, it makes me want to scream even louder to prove my point straight without sugarcoating or sarcasms. I’m as real as I can be, given any unfavorable situation I’m in where the tides are against me. And I guess people are afraid of me to the point that some seek to vilify me and everything that I stand for.
It’s just within me to keep things real in perspective. Often I got misconstrued for being a pessimist or too emotionally fragile and not cheerful or outgoing enough. I’m just seeing life as a whole. I never feel comfortable with fakery, be they passive or not. My honest replies may come across as rigid, cold and harsh, but I’m never the kind to kiss asses or have a sarcastic tongue to be cool and to fit in. Maybe it’s my upbringing and social surroundings that shape me into the person I am. I didn’t ask to be this way.
I hate to be angry. For real. In fact it brings me to tears when the dust has settled in. I just want to be understood and loved even through good and bad times. I guess society as a whole do not understand rage and sadness well. We women especially are constantly putting other women down with insults. You fail, you get mobbed with criticism. You succeed with your hard work and dedication, they’re out there to hurt you. What have we become as humans? What do we really want in others? By tearing them to make ourselves feel better, are we really no different from the ones that we envy or strived to stay away from?
My biggest enemy this year? Procrastination. I’ve grown too comfy over my shitty situation of being stuck in job I continually hate that even job hunting feels like a chore. I even forgot how to search and prepare myself to hunt again. When will the economy ever fully recover? It’s in the slumps for the past 2-3 decades. All no thanks to some selfish baby boomers with their rigid mindsets on money and hard work and then blaming all socio-economical problems on us millenials for being too soft and lacking motivation. At least we millenials try to make this world an inclusive place for everyone, including minorities, Muslims, people with special needs and LGBTQ community.
It’s tough to mentally pep talk myself up on staying positive and happy and all the rah-rah cheerleader-like stuff when my ongoing issues are far from over. How to people will themselves that way? I’m not being a pessimist here, I’m more of a realist and not the type to sugarcoat, overexaggerate or be sarcastic in my viewpoints. I wish I’m easily understood without people preconceiving negative thoughts about me. So what if I’m not (and never will be) a part of the herd mentality, does that make me an enemy although we may be on the same side of tough situations we hate?